Life is...meaningful

Buckingham Fountain Walkway
Originally uploaded by Khonsus

Seriously it is. I know it is. I know this, yet I still have moments in time where I wonder, where I think about what kind of life I actually lead. Sometimes I feel like my life is...mundane, not exciting...
Sometimes I wonder if there's more, so much more to life then spending hours on a computer reading through e-mails and blogs. I look at my life sometimes and see that it's extremely uneventful, but seriously? Truly that is a big lie, a huge lie and why is that? Because of my job, because of my life and my adventures (or misadventures?)

I sometimes will ask if my life should be more exciting, more lively, more... I don't know eventful. Most people who know me, know what I do for a living will tell me to hush because what I do on a daily basis is so very important that my life is anything but meaningless.

They'll tell me the job I do, the things I do are very important. What do I do exactly? I work with troubled teens. I work with kids who have been diagnosed with disorders such as ADHD and ODD. I work with kids who have emotional issues, kids who have problems with their parents, kids who run the streets. I work with those kids that the criminal justice system or children and youth decide need placed somewhere.

So really my life is far from meaningless...so why do I get into these moods where I feel like my life is boring? Why do I get in those moods where I ask myself just what the hell my life really is about? I don't know why it happens, but it does. It's just...

I don't know. All I do know is I just spent the better part of an hour trying to analyze and examine why it is I feel this way sometimes and it was so disruptive to my sleep/rest that I just had to log on and...ramble about it.

So now that I have I believe my headache has receded, but still I have those damned doubts that creep in. Those doubts I can't explain away, and I wonder why it is I have them. Why do I sometimes feel as if my life is...extremely boring? Why do I wonder if I'm living life or just...spending it all online or sitting around debating it all the time.

I guess it's a phase of life that creeps up every now and again. I wish I could explain why it happens, but all I really can do is try to talk through it or get through it until my morose mood passes.

Now for the picture...why did I choose this particular one? Because it can be looked at as sort of a path, a direction...I can stop where I did to take the photo and remain forever rooted to that spot, not continue on, not turn back...or I can get myself out of this aggravating mood and move onwards. What's beyond those sparkly bricks? In reality a museum, an aquarium, a planetarium and a beautiful view of Lake Michigan, so metaphorically do I remain where I shot that photograph and look around content to remain in that exact spot? Or do I pull myself out of that mood that seems to be stalling me?

I think there's a whole hell of a lot more that needs to be accomplished, a whole hell of a lot more beyond those pretty sparkling bricks, and I think it's time for me to haul my ass out of that damned spot and move onward already! :)

I do like this picture, took it randomly. It was unplanned, and I like it...
Funny how at the time I took it I merely wanted to capture the pretty sparkle to the bricks laid out before me. Never did I expect it to be a metaphor that would help pull my mind out of a morose mood and get back on track already!

In the words of a man I've come to admire: Life's that way.

How Deep into the Murky Water Can You Go?

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like you're in a rut, and you can't seem to climb back out of it? It doesn't happen to me often, but it does happen and it's irritating. I just feel really...low, and I don't know why. Well I have a fair idea why but still...

I tried writing. I tried reading. I've even tried to take a nap or two but still it doesn't seem to be lightening my mood any. I hate when that happens. I feel like I'm in this vat of murky water kicking and treading trying to keep my head above the surface when something is consistently pulling me downwards. Why does that happen?

I know in a few days the mood will lift, but I so hate it when it does appear. Hopefully chatting about it will make it go away...or at least distract my mind from it enough that I will be able to move beyond...one only hopes that'll work.

Yeah maybe...we shall see.

Little Facets of Life

Colorful Ascent
Originally uploaded by Khonsus

Everybody has little facets of life. Slivers of their lives that they like to share, slivers of their lives they want to share and slivers they'd rather bury beneath a heaping mound of freshly dug dirt. Some slivers will be buried momentarily and others will remain forever hidden. My issue, my problem...

My balance maybe?

Is in what of those multitude of facets of my own life I'd like to share or reveal, and what slivers do I want kept buried. It's a fine interesting line to walk, a debate sure to go on for years to come: what to share, what not to share and what will the end result be as each tiny sliver is unveiled.

Really this is one of my sole purposes, sole reasons for wanting to start a blog in the first place and also seems to create quite the barrier at times. It's a realm I want to explore further and one that will require years of patience to pursue.

Which facets should I start with and which ones I dare to choose equal out hopefully to something worth writing about. Journaling is hard for me. Writing? Now that that's easier...when I write stories I only include snippets of things about me. It's not as intimidating as writing about myself...

Weird how that works out, strange indeed and if I can stop dwelling on how much better everyone else's blogs and artworks are then perhaps I can draw some more deeper enjoyment of my own, so without further ado I shall attempt to unveil and turn over a new leaf again.

Who knows it may lead somewhere, it may lead no where but isn't that part of the journey anyway?

Yeah I think so. :)